HOW
TO FORGIVE: ONE SCHOLAR’S VIEWS
To
forgive is not to condone, to excuse, to accept, to
reconcile, and certainly not to forget, says Robert D. Enright,
a professor of educational psychology at the
A
person who has been hurt must consciously choose to forgive—a moral choice that
is one step along a path that takes time to complete, he contends. He lays out these steps to true forgiveness:
1. Don’t deny or repress the
anger, hurt or shame. Accept that it’s
there, and commit yourself to doing something to help.
2. Don’t identity the person
who’s hurt you and leave it at that.
Pinpoint the behavior that has hurt you.
3. Choose not to nurse a grudge
or to seek revenge. Make the choice to
forgive. This “heart conversion” is the
crucial step.
4. Explain to yourself why
you’ve chosen this path. This need not
be for lofty reasons. It can be, for
example, that letting go of the grievance will allow you to enjoy the benefits
of your marriage, or better concentrate on your work.
5. Think differently about the
person who committed the wrong. Think
about his or her own vulnerabilities.
Walk a bit in the other person’s shoes.
6. Bear the pain, but decide
not to pass it on—including to the person who hurt you in the first place.
7. Decide instead to offer
goodwill, generosity, mercy, “moral love”.
This can, but doesn’t have to, include a reconciliation.
8. Reflect on how it feels to
have given up the burden or grudge.
Recognize emotional relief. Find
meaning in the suffering you’ve faced and overcome.
9. Discover the paradox of
forgiveness: As you give to others the
gift of mercy, you are being healed.
Source:
Scott Heller from The Chronicle of Higher Education, July 17, 1998